I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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