I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
