I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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