I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
me + whiskey = a bad person
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
