a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
