peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
