i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
