Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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