soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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