And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
