You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
