Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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