If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
