Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
