Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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