I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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