when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
