my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
