I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
