Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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