everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
