She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
