There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just googled if crying burns calories
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
