i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
