I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
