Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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