have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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