Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
