I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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