i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
