Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
