I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize