i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
