im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize