dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
