I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
