You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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