apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
