so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
