I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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