I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
