i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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