omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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