the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
