Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
