Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
