A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I need water and some morals
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
