I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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