i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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