It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
