The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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