Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
