so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
