She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
