he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It's never too late to be topless.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Congratulations! We have a period
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
