I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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