He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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