there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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